The Curse of Comparison

Well, you could turn to a neighbor. Welcome to the church. And y’all can take your seat.

If you have your Bibles, I’d like to have you turn with me to probably the most difficult of all the books to find, which is Third John. Third John, chapter 1. It’s right near the end.

And while you’re turning there, if we haven’t met, my name is David. Me and my amazing wife Jordan have the privilege of being the lead pastors of this church. If you’re new, or we just haven’t met yet, I’d love to have the opportunity to shake your hand and get to know you. But we’re really grateful that you’re here with us.

Introduction: The Ghost of Diotrophes

We are in week two of a series I’ve entitled “The Ghost of Diotrophes.” The Ghost of Diotrophes. And if you’re thinking, “The ghost of who?” - Diotrophes. Just to catch you up, there’s this man Diotrophes in the Bible. He’s mentioned one time in the Bible. He has one tiny little section in Third John. And what we know about him most of all, what Scripture tells us, is this: he loves to be first. He loves to be first.

And the series is called “Ghost” because even though he’s been dead 2,000 years, the ghost of wanting to be first lives on in all of us.

The points last week, just by way of review, were three points - you can’t tell yourself who you are, attention is not love, and you are who the Father says you are.

I want to read his verse one more time. This is like his bio in Scripture, 2,000 years later.

I wrote to the church, but Diotrophes, who loves to be first, would not welcome us. (3 John 1:9)

He loves to be first.

The Curse of Comparison

What I want to talk about this morning briefly is I want to point out something - and you probably already know this, but it might be a little basic - first is a comparison word. Do you know what I’m saying? You can’t be first by yourself, right? If you’re in a race with one runner, I guess you can be first, but you’re also last.

Let’s say there’s some small town and there’s a mayor, and the mayor is running uncontested - nobody’s running against him. Well, he would still probably be mayor after all of that, but he can’t really say, “I came in first,” right? Because first implies that someone came in second, someone came in third, someone came in fourth.

So my title for this morning, if you’re taking notes, I’d like you to write this down: The Curse of Comparison.

Heavenly Father, we’re so grateful for you. We’re grateful for our time together. We’re grateful for your word. We ask that you would speak to us and help us to listen, to hear, and to implement what you would teach us. It’s in your name that we pray. Everybody said, “Amen.”

It has famously been said that comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I was reminded about this - my wife and I, we go with our daughter, who’s nine, on Fridays after school to gymnastics. She goes to this little place called Little Gym. It’s a really cute gymnastics place for little kids. My daughter is working on her back handspring right now. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a difficult move - not for someone like me, but for someone like her, it’s hard. Basically, you throw yourself backwards and just trust that your hands are going to be there so you don’t land on your head. She’s been making some pretty good progress on her back handspring, but she still needs a little spotting - a little back support - as she does it.

Anyway, she’d been working hard on it, and she was doing great on Friday. They were practicing with her coach and she was super happy. She’d do one, and we - you know, there’s glass, we could just tap on the glass - we’d say, “It’s great, we love you, you’re so good.” She was doing it, she was happy.

Well, a little ways in, there was this girl who was way smaller than her, and she walked in and started blasting out these back handsprings like it was nothing - like she was getting paid by the flip. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. And our daughter looked at us, and we said, “It’s okay, it’s okay. We love you. You’re doing great. Just worry about yourself. Don’t even focus on her. Focus on what you’re doing.”

But it’s just amazing that nothing changed with her situation. But as soon as there was someone to compare herself to, the joy was gone. The happiness was gone. The motivation was gone. The camaraderie was gone. Why? Because comparison is the thief of joy.

I don’t want to be the pastor who always poo-poos social media - I know that’s one of my little shticks - but I’m just going to say, if you let it, social media can be the place you go to feel bad about yourself. For a lot of people, the primary function of social media is to help you evaluate yourself against people who are more successful than you, who are more popular than you, who look better than you, who have more money than you. And when you’re always comparing yourself and assessing where you’re at in the pecking order, it will steal your joy.

Social media is designed around identifying who’s first, who’s second, who’s third. What do I mean? Likes. Followers. With every follower you get, it’s like, “How many followers do you have?” “I got 100.” “Well, your best friend has 200.” Whoa - so he’s first place and I’m second place. That’s the whole idea of social media.

And just so you know, pastoral ministry is not insulated from that. I wish it was. I wish pastoral ministry was just this thing where we lead the people God gives us with a pure heart, no competition, no pressure, just living life like a family trying to please God. That’s not the reality I walked into when I became a pastor. For me, we’ll have, let’s say, ten baptisms, and I leave and I’m pumped - “That was so awesome, so incredible.” And then I open my phone and look at Instagram, and it’s like the church down the street did 250 baptisms. And I’m like, “What am I even doing with myself? What’s wrong with our church?” Because comparison, if you’re not careful, can steal your joy.

What I’m hoping to do is get buy-in from everyone in admitting that this is not just for people on a stage, not just people who have a business, not just young people trying to be influencers - it’s actually a problem that affects all of us. It’s not just ministry. Listen to this: your career versus their career. Comparing your kids versus their kids. Your paycheck versus their paycheck. Your marriage versus their marriage - man, why does it seem like they’re always getting along and we’re always fighting? Your house versus their house. Their ability to go on vacations versus your ability to go on vacations. Your relationship with God versus somebody else’s relationship with God. Your body versus somebody else’s body.

And by the way, that’s not just a woman thing. I go to the gym, and the gym is filled with these little bros flexing and taking selfies - what is that? It’s comparison, right? They’re trying to assert their position in the comparison of who has the best body.

In fact, as I’ve thought about it - I was praying about it this week - I don’t think I can think of a single thing in life that can’t be corrupted by the curse of comparison. It’s everywhere. It affects absolutely everything.

Comparison Blinds You to Your Blessings

So I’ve got three points for you this morning that I’d like you to write down briefly on comparison and its effects.

Number one: comparison blinds you to your blessings.

Turn with me, if you have your Bibles, to Genesis chapter 4 - the very end to the very beginning. In Genesis 4 we read about the first two brothers in the history of the world, Cain and Abel. Look at what it says.

Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. (Genesis 4:2)

So there’s two brothers, and they had two different jobs. It’s not saying one is better than the other - it’s not a superior thing. It’s just two brothers with two different jobs.

In the course of time, Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering - fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. (Genesis 4:3-5)

People, of course, will debate - they’ve debated for thousands of years - exactly why God accepts Abel’s sacrifice and not Cain’s. Some people say, “Well, God only eats meat” - like it’s definitely not that. Like, “God only accepts an offering if something is killed” - it’s definitely not that.

So we don’t know why, but what I want to point out is what comparison does to Cain. Because Cain’s fury is not pointed toward God in this case - it’s pointed toward his brother, who did nothing wrong. In fact, all he was doing was copying his brother, using the resources God had given him. God didn’t like Cain’s offering, but to me the bigger deal, the more significant deal, is that he’s now second place to his brother, and he doesn’t like that.

Look at verse 6:

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?”

God’s basically saying, “Hey, look, I didn’t ask for any of this. Why are you so upset about it?” And it’s so amazing that one of the first things - the first brother relational family conflict - is about comparison. And God says, “Why are you worried about my deal with your brother? Don’t even worry about that. Don’t worry about my deal with other people.” I don’t know if you know this, but there are some things that God has dealings with other people that he doesn’t tell you about. God is saying, “Why are you so concerned with my relationship with your brother? If you do what’s right, I’ll accept you.”

He’s saying, “Look at what I’ve given you, Cain. Look at the life I’ve given you. You’ve got blessings. You’ve got favor. You’ve got open doors.” In fact, in Cain’s particular case, it’s very interesting because Cain has God himself standing there talking to him - a personal relationship. But Cain can’t see any of that. Cain had all kinds of blessings. He doesn’t care. He’s got 99 things - it doesn’t matter, because he’s got one thing that’s wrong. He can’t see any of his blessings. He only sees what his brother got and how his brother is now ahead of him.

And this pattern isn’t just a Genesis thing. All throughout the Bible - and I was shocked, as I was reading, at how many of the big classic narratives of Scripture ultimately have to do with jealousy and comparison. Let me hit you with one or two more.

King Saul - we talked about him last week - and the song that ruined his life. They come back from battle, they’ve killed Goliath, everything is great, and they sing a song: “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” And that one song ruins Saul’s life. What’s interesting is it’s a song meant to compliment them both - it’s not dissing Saul, it’s just the song. But that song is complimenting Saul while also comparing him to David. And it ruined his life.

See, what Saul couldn’t see is that it wasn’t just because of David’s stone that Goliath was dead - it was also because of Saul’s leadership. It was Saul’s army. It was Saul’s wisdom to put the kid in. It was Saul’s wisdom to let the kid not wear the armor if he wanted to. None of that happens without Saul. But in that moment, Saul can’t see any of that. He can’t see any of his blessings because he sees that he’s second place to somebody else. And it’s interesting that Saul is jealous of someone poorer than him, less famous than him, less powerful - he’s jealous of his own employee. And it ruins his life. What is it? It’s comparison.

Go back even before Cain and Abel, back to the Garden. Eve - God says, “You can eat from any tree except one. You just can’t eat from that one, but you can eat from any other tree.” And you know what Eve’s like? “I don’t care about that.” She could focus on the one tree and ignore the 99 blessings. She lived in abundance, lived in perfection, and all she could see was the one thing she didn’t have.

How many times have you and I done that - been dissatisfied over what we do have, all the blessings, all the victories, all the amazing relationships that we have - because of the one thing that we don’t have? That’s what comparison will do. You can celebrate how good God has been to you, but you can poison that by spending all day thinking about how God has blessed other people more, how God has moved in other people’s lives, how they have more success than you, how their relationships are better. And it blinds you to your blessings.

It’s only once that comparison happens that you see it that way, right? Your house was perfectly fine until you saw your friend’s house - and it’s like, “I hate my house.” You were perfectly happy with your paycheck until you learned what your boss made. You’re perfectly fine with your kids until you hang out with someone else’s kids and realize your kids are a disaster - “I hate my kids, I broke them.”

It’s just the comparison thing. I talk to 19- and 20-year-olds who are upset because they feel like they’ve ruined their whole life. “Man, I haven’t made anything of my life.” And I’m like, “You can barely even vote. How do you think you’re so far behind? You’re 19.” But that’s what comparison will do - they spend all their time looking at other people who have ten times the friends they have, ten times the money they have. And comparison will blind you to what you have. Comparing your reality to somebody else’s highlights.

I hope you get this - it’s a simple message, but there is no scenario where comparison helps you.

And here’s another thing about comparison: it doesn’t only produce envy, it can also produce arrogance. If you compare yourself to people above you, you become envious. But if you compare yourself to people below you, you become arrogant.

I remember I was at the gym a while back. That’s one thing that’s interesting about going to the gym - it’s not just the working out, it’s the fact that you work out around other people who are strangers. I’ve been surprised how different my workout experience can be based on who I’m working out near.

Back in the day, I used to squat - that’s an exercise. I don’t squat anymore; it’s a young man’s exercise. Now I’ll do a little lunge. So one day I was in the squat rack, music blaring, repping out - singles, doubles - feeling super good about myself, like everyone’s recognizing I have more plates on the bar than anybody else.

Then this girl comes up to the squat rack next to me, wearing Lululemon head to toe. She gets the bar in place, then sets up her phone on a little box so she can be squatting while watching a show - and she never added any weight to the bar, by the way, it was just the bar. And I’m thinking - because I’m a man of God - I started judging her. I start thinking, “This isn’t even real exercise. You’re wasting your time. Put the phone away. Put some weight on the bar. You’re so pathetic - not strong like me.”

And right about that time, this guy comes up to the other squat rack on the other side of me. He looked like Mr. T - his hair was like Mr. T. He just started packing on the plates, warming up with more than I was doing with my singles and doubles. He says, “What’s up, man?” I said, “Hey.” He says, “You ready to do this or what?” And I said, “Actually, this is the most I can do.”

It’s amazing how your opinion of yourself can go from arrogance to envy in one squat session, just based on how you see yourself. You compare yourself to someone with less, you become arrogant. You compare yourself to someone with more, you become envious.

And to be clear, I want to qualify this: it doesn’t mean you don’t have real problems in your life - you do, for sure. It doesn’t mean life hasn’t been unfair to you. It doesn’t mean there aren’t a thousand things that are unfair that have happened in your life. That’s true. But if you spend all your time looking at what other people have, you become blind to what is in your own hands. And you can’t be grateful for something you can’t see. So if you can’t see it, you can’t be grateful for it. Comparison blinds you to all the things God has done in your life and in your situation.

Number one: comparison blinds you to your blessings.

Comparison Kills Your Calling

Number two: comparison kills your calling.

If you turn to the book of Numbers, you read about a nation called Israel. Israel is on the doorstep of the Promised Land - everything God has promised them, the land, flourishing, life, raising your kids in peace - the great prize God has promised them. And they’re right on the doorstep of it.

So they send out - because it’s not just vacant land (that’s not my point, but did you know that oftentimes your blessings are preoccupied with opposition? That’s true for Israel) - they send out twelve spies to see what it’s like out there, because this land is promised to them. Ten of them come back and report, “There are giants in the land.” Giants in the land. Look at this:

We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them. (Numbers 13:33)

But catch that - in our own eyes. The giants never said a word. How do they know the giants saw them as grasshoppers? We have every reason to expect the giants never even saw them - they were spies! So they’re saying, “Man, we were grasshoppers,” and they agree. It’s like, “You talked to the giants? You had dinner with the giant?” No - they’re just projecting. That comparison happened not in public, not in the real world. It happened in their own heart and their own mind. And it took out an entire generation.

Two of the spies, though - Joshua and Caleb - came back and said, “No big deal. We can do it. We can take the land. It’s fine.” Same situation, same land, same giants, different spirit. “I can surely do it.”

I think it’s important to understand that comparing up doesn’t make you try harder. People think, “Oh, that’s going to make me try harder if I start comparing myself.” No, it doesn’t - it makes you give up. Because you see something you feel like you could never achieve, and it doesn’t motivate you to be better - it motivates you to be worse.

And what I’ve told you before - I told you this at conference last year - is that you have a field. Picture your life as a field: God handed you something to work. All of you, every single one of us - God has given you something to do with your hands. This is your marriage, your business, your classroom, your ministry, whatever. And if you spend your life staring at someone else’s field, you never work yours. You have responsibility now - you can do better or worse with what you’ve been given. It’s like, “Well, if I had someone else’s position, then I could really do something.” No - you have the ability to work the field God has given you. And comparison is the calling killer.

I used to play in a band years ago with my buddy Jesse. I don’t know if they still do this - I don’t think music’s cool anymore, but back in the day they used to do this thing called Battle of the Bands. It’s like a big concert, a festival that’s also a competition. You’d play, and at the end of the night they’d declare one person the winner and give them the Battle of the Bands trophy.

We’d had some pretty good success - we were kind of respected in town, so that was cool. We felt like we were riding high as a local band. And there was this other band - I wonder if you even remember them, Jesse - Cold Snap. This new up-and-coming band thought we were the coolest things ever. “Oh my god, you guys, how do you do this?” So we kind of took Cold Snap under our wing - mentoring them, showing them how to promote a show, giving them advice on stage presence. We were helping them out.

So there was this Battle of the Bands, and we joined, and we got Cold Snap into it too - figured it’d be a good experience for them. We played our show - it was fantastic. They played - it was fine. And at the end of the night, they announced the winner: Cold Snap.

I was ticked. “We never should have invited them.” And here’s what’s funny - to my recollection, we never played a Battle of the Bands again. It didn’t motivate us to play harder - it motivated us to say, “Battle of the Bands is stupid, I’m over it.” Because comparison is the calling killer.

Look at what Paul says:

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. (2 Corinthians 10:12)

They are not wise. Next verse - this is Paul and his people:

We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God has assigned to us.

He’s saying, “We’re not bragging, we’re not worried about bragging. If we’re going to brag, it’s going to be confined to the sphere of service God has given us.” He’s saying, “I’m focusing on what God gave me. If other people do cool things - cool. I’m not worried about them. I’m faithful in what God has given me.”

I don’t know if you know this, but more is not always better. Plenty of people get more and then hate it. With the promotion, you get a bigger paycheck, but you also get more responsibility, and people like you less in general. More is not always the solution. The solution is always to be faithful in what God has given you - faithful in what Paul calls the sphere of service that God has put in your heart, in your life, in your responsibility.

Let me show you something - Acts chapter 13. This is a verse I think some of you might have never read like this.

While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.” (Acts 13:2)

So they’re worshiping and fasting, and the Holy Spirit shows up and says, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul.” Now, who are Barnabas and Saul? Two men - just notice this, two men, same verse, and look at the order: it says Barnabas and Saul. Barnabas was first. Well, Saul becomes - anybody know? - Paul. And Paul is the most famous of the apostles of all time. By the time you reach the end of that chapter, it doesn’t say Barnabas and Saul anymore - it says Paul and Barnabas. Before, Paul was second, but as soon as he got famous, even the biblical writers always put him first. Always.

And I think it’s interesting because Barnabas was the senior man. He becomes second when Paul becomes famous. Everybody knows Paul, but most of you cannot name one thing Barnabas did. Some of you are trying to think of one right now - “traveled with Paul” - that’s all I know. Just the second man.

But it’s interesting because Barnabas was a believer longer than Paul. Barnabas knew the disciples before Paul. He vouched for Paul when nobody trusted him. God drew two different circles of service for them. Barnabas was just happy to be faithful in his - and his circle is the reason Paul even got a circle. But let’s say Barnabas had always been like, “I think I should be popular like Paul too, I think people should be naming things after me” - then he would have sabotaged not only the work in his own life, but he would have made it more difficult for Paul to accomplish his.

Comparison blinds you to your blessings. Number two, comparison kills your calling.

Comparison Turns Your Brother into a Rival

Number three: comparison turns your brother into a rival.

Think back to Cain - Genesis chapter 4, let’s read verse 8:

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother and killed him.

You all know that’s how the story ends. Abel did nothing wrong - Abel was just faithful in his sphere and got a breakthrough, and Cain didn’t. Not because they did something wrong - that’s just the way the cards played out. And because of comparison, Cain commits the first murder in human history. Notice the victim is not a stranger, not an enemy army - it’s his own brother.

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:9)

Can you see the hatred Cain has for his brother, even though Abel did nothing wrong - he just copied his brother in the sacrifice? The Lord said, “What have you done? Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.” Isn’t that interesting - your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.

Same thing happens with Saul. Saul turns from a good king into a murderer, or an attempted murderer, because he becomes jealous of his own help. David is in Saul’s house to help him - the music David played would calm Saul down. David is there to serve Saul. And one day, while the kid is playing the harp for Saul’s benefit, look at this:

Saul had a spear in his hand, and he hurled it, saying to himself, “I’ll pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice. (1 Samuel 18:10)

Comparison will make you throw a spear at the very person God sent to help you.

Go back to Diotrophes - he loved to be first, and he doesn’t welcome his brothers. But I want to read the rest of his file - one more verse, because it says something that’s the result of him wanting to be first that I think is pertinent.

So when I come, I will call attention to what he is doing, spreading malicious nonsense about us. Not satisfied with that, he even refuses to welcome other believers. He also stops those who want to do so and puts them out of the church. (3 John 1:10)

Isn’t that interesting? He likes to be first so much that he does all of this. Here’s the rap sheet: he gossips - I love that the apostle says “malicious nonsense.” I’m going to start saying that. Malicious nonsense. He refuses to welcome people, and the people who try to welcome people anyway, he throws them out of the church. And I love that John says, “When I come, I’m going to call attention to this” - that’s apostle-speak for “we’re going to have a talk.” We’re going to talk about it.

But notice all these things that happen - he doesn’t welcome people, he’s unwelcoming, he’s unfriendly, he kicks people out. His need to be first causes his brothers to not be brothers - they’re rivals.

And your version of that is probably a little quieter than trying to kick people out of church, or Saul trying to throw spears at people. You’re probably not that. It’s probably a little quieter - maybe a friend shares some good news with you, and you’re happy, but it’s a little flat. You know what I mean? Because you’re dying inside a little bit, thinking, “Oh great, my friends are getting more successful than me. They’re starting to move ahead of me.” Or someone that everyone admires and looks up to stumbles, and you’re sorry, but there’s just a little bit of joy in you, because it balances the scale to where you’re rising a little bit to the top. You love it when it happens, and you hate it when it doesn’t.

I remember my sister Holly - much older sister, two years, in fact - everyone thinks I’m older now, which I don’t appreciate - but when we were kids, she got a Slinky. Does anyone remember a Slinky? These kids probably don’t even know Slinkies. Okay, so a Slinky - it’s like a weird little spring. My sister got one. It was gorgeous - a metal one, really nice. We would make it go down the steps - we only had one step in the house, so we did the best we could. “Hey, it’s cool. Do it again.”

But she got this Slinky, and I was filled with rage because I wanted it. So one day, she was at gymnastics practice, and I went into her room, grabbed the Slinky, and started squishing it, bending it, wrapping it around my arm, biting it, rubbing it - and by the time I was done with it, it was just this huge tumbleweed. It was like a metal tumbleweed. And I’m thinking, “Oh great, what have I done?” The rage subsides and I’m left in horror.

So I’m trying to think how I’m going to get out of this. I’m just a little kid, so I stuff it behind her dresser - worst plan ever. I’m thinking, “No, that’s just how Slinkies do that.”

So my sister comes back from gymnastics practice and says, “Hey, do you know where my Slinky is?” I’m like, “I don’t know - am I my Slinky’s keeper?” “No, I don’t know.” After a couple of minutes, my mom walks in with the metal tumbleweed, and it’s like, David exposed. So what they did is they made me buy my sister a new Slinky out of my own birthday money, which I thought was a very severe overreaction on their part. I didn’t think that was cool.

But I think it’s interesting - you can laugh about it, but also think about it - that nothing changed with me. Nothing changed with my situation, nothing changed with my toys. It was only because someone else got something I wanted that I was driven to blind rage, because there’s just something about it.

You can write this down - I’ve got it on the screen for you: if something has to be wrong with you for me to feel good about me, then something is wrong with me. It’s a tongue twister: if something has to be wrong with you for me to feel good about me, then something is wrong with me.

And, you know, we play softball - church softball, we’re not great, Preston, but we have a good time. I was thinking about it the other day…